How I had the money talk with my significant other

How I had the money talk with my significant otherHow I had the money talk with my significant otherOne of the first articles I ever wrote about money welches about how to have themoney talkwith yur romantic partner. Its so, so important to talk about money with the person youre sharing yur life with. It sets expectations, opens up the conversation about your financial goals, and makes sure that everyone is on the same page. It will also help you to understand each other and your relationship with money. Money impacts every area of our lives, including our romantic lives, so this is not a conversation that you should skip or delay.Ive always cared about financial stability, so it was important to me for someone I was dating to be in a good position, as well. Thats why I knew I had to start that conversation in the beginning of my relationship with Dan. Heres how I did (and continue to do) it.I started earlyI remember the moment I first talked to Dan about money. It was probably our f ourth or fifth date and we were walking towards my apartment, where I was going to make dinner for him. Dan was carrying a bouquet of flowers for me (aww). I turned to him and casually asked him if he had any credit card debt. I cant remember exactly how he reacted, but he told me that he did and he told me how much. I wasnt a financial coach yet, so I was slightly judgmental about credit card debt at the time. I didnt insult him, but I did show concern about his debt. Looking back, it wasnt very much at all Thats proven by the fact that Dan was able to pay it off in just three months after our conversation. Having this conversation early made it easier for us to communicate about money as other issues arose.I communicated my needsWhen Dan and I first started dating, we obviously went out a lot. We went out for dinner, we went to the movies, we went out to brunch, etc. At first, Dan paid for me much of the time, but once I found out how much he was earning in salary, I didnt feel co mfortable letting him cover everything (we were making similar income and it wasnt a lot). We began splitting costs from time to time, but eventually, that spending started to conflict with my budget and savings goals. I was living alone at the time and trying to pay off my student loans ahead of schedule. That didnt leave me with a hr of fun money. After a couple months of dating, I told him that we needed to slow down a bit with our fun spending and be mora thoughtful about where our money was going. I didnt want too much food and drink to derail my financial goals. That wasnt a fun conversation, but Dan was understanding, and we started being a little bit pickier about when we went out and how much we spent when we did.I offered my helpDan never really felt like he knew what he was doing with money. It wasnt something he felt he had learned growing up. So I offered my support and guidance to help him pay off his credit card and start saving. I also helped him fill out his budget so he was aware of his spending guidelines. Eventually, I gave him advice for contributing to his retirement account.Once we moved in together, I took over the financial management of the household. I created a joint budget spreadsheet so that we could track our budget and spending. I added Dan as an authorized user on one of my credit cards so that we could use it for joint expenses, such as groceries. This made it easier to make sure that we were each contributing equally. We continue to use a joint credit card now that we own a home together.(I should note that I trusted Dan as an authorized user, and didnt worry that he would abuse the card. I dont recommend giving someone access to your credit card if you dont trust that they will use it responsibly and always pay it back.)I practice non-judgmentThis is still a tricky thing for me, especially in my personal life. When it comes to my clients, I never judge them or make them feel bad about their money choices. When I am directly affected by someones money habits, its sometimes difficult for me to react in the same calm way. If a financial conflict comes up, I try to be careful about the language that I use. Instead of being accusatory like saying, Why did you spend so much money at that bar?, I try to be more curious by saying things like, Hey, whats this charge from the other day? I want to make sure I have the budget updated properly.I continue the conversationAs with most important topics, its crucial to continue the money conversation over time. Priorities change, income changes, expenses change. These can be good things or they can be difficult things. The point is, the conversation must evolve as life evolves.Dan and my situation is much different now than it was when we first started dating. We own a home together, weve both paid off our student loans, weve combined most of our finances, Dan has more than doubled his income, Ive more than cut mine in half (for now) by pursuing self-employment, and ou r expenses are higher overall. Before all these changes, we didnt have to talk very often about money, because we had plenty of it and didnt spend very much. Now, theres less money and more to spend on.We had to have a serious money talk earlier this year, because both of us were getting frustrated with each other. Dan felt like he didnt have any money of his own, and I felt like he wasnt being thoughtful about how tight our budget is. It was a very productive (though difficult) conversation, because we were able to walk away with solutions. Dan has a small amount of money going into his personal checking account each month so that he can spend it without worrying about our overall budget. He also has a little bit of money going into his private savings account so that he can buy gifts or fix up his bike. This has made Dan feel more autonomous while taking stress off of our joint budget.Now that were getting married, Dan and I are getting even more grown up with our financial conver sations. We recently went to see a financial advisor to talk about life insurance and making sure were making smart choices for retirement. It feels good to be talking about and making these decisions together.This article first appeared on MaggieGermano.com.